What happened to the cute, cuddly baby that grew into an inquisitive, active toddler and then a helpful under-your-feet infant? They grew into a teenager that’s what. If they are male then more often than not they are surly, grunt instead of speaking, expect to shower only once a week and their room looks as if a bomb has gone off in it. If they are female then more often than not they become strongly independent, have a strange growth permanently attached to their ear that looks decidedly like a mobile phone and their room looks like a bomb has gone off in it. If I have offended any teenagers with these observations then I apologise for you must be in the minority and lucky parents yours must be. I had one of each gender both of whom are now in their twenties which has unearthed different problems. Don’t get me wrong I love them both unconditionally but, as they say, it’s tough love.
One of the amazing things of a child’s early transformation is that, as toddlers, all they want to do is help but they aren’t able to really do anything helpful. When they are old enough to do anything helpful they don’t want too.
Having had one of each gender go through the process as well as spending ten years working in a detention centre for wayward teens I’ve picked up a few pointers.
1) Children, especially teenagers, very rarely want to talk to their parents but when they do drop everything and listen for these times are very rare and precious. Take the time to listen, regardless of the circumstances, if you don’t, eventually, they will stop talking to you at all.
2) Sarcasm is a very good tool to use at an early stage as it can teach people to laugh at themselves as well as learning to cope under pressure.
3) Make a joke in a difficult situation as laughter truly is the best medicine.
Now some of the serious stuff :
1) Never ever force a child, teenager in particular, into a corner because they will come out fighting. From experience it is best to confirm the position they are in now and what will happen to them now. Then you could say that if the situation escalates then what will happen to them will also escalate. In other words leave some avenues open for choice. Teenagers live for the here and now so pointing out what can happen in the future allows them to make the choice of how far they wish to go with it. There will still be repercussions for them but they will control up to what extent. I hope this makes sense. By forecasting what you are going to do if they continue forces them to make the decision.
For example : Your teenager slams their door in anger ( females are usually the door slammers). You could go to their room and say ’If you slam your door again I’m going to take it off the hinges’. The next time they slam the door take it off the hinges. This brings me to the next bit of advice.
2) Be consistent and do what you say you are going to do. Everyone’s heard of setting boundaries but it is still appropriate whether your child is eight or eighteen. Think of putting your child in a three metre circle and saying if they move out of the circle then they will miss a night of television. If they don’t miss a night of television when they step out of the circle the circle has then grown considerably and they have increased their boundaries. If they do miss a night of television when they step out of the circle then you have been consistent and they know where their boundaries are. Make no mistake they will from time to time continue to step out of the circle to confirm the boundary and you must continue to be consistent and do the same. Eventually when they have remained in the circle for a predetermined time you could say that they have shown maturity and responsibility so you are now expanding the circle and increasing their age appropriate boundaries. Most parents are probably already doing this and haven’t realized it. One of the most important jobs a parent has is to set boundaries. One of the most important jobs a child has is to test those boundaries, constantly.
You may not agree but trust me, from experience and regardless of their age, children want and need to know where their boundaries are even though they may think the opposite.
That’s about it. I’ve rattled on long enough but if you would like more information on dealing with teenagers check out the website www.juvenilesailors.com.
Juvenile Sailors
